El dolor de una perdida...

Well, and i came back again, after 3 months, withouth writing anything here...

A lot of things had change in my life... 

I wanted to write this blog entry, and in spanish too.. 

maybe to take out from me all my feelings...

those feelings when someone that you loved

passed away... (god! It's so hard just say it) or it could be for some people too, the lost of a friendship, but it could be also a lost of a pet,  or something that you considered, really valious to you...

Even when you know that it was to happened some day..

Even when you haven't accepted of all that she/he left after hours, days,  months, years!

This feeling when you found yourself, crying, wiping those tears

waking up, and find the reality,

get up, but you don't want to... 

When all night you was tinking about it and having sleept well..

You feel tired, sad, melancholic, and want to take all to the sh**

this feeling, when your world comes down...

Even when i have a hope, but this hope, just leave you...

You have to get up and go to work, but you don't want to.

Neither to be at home and get more depress, and empty...

This feeling when you think nobody else understands you,

When you want to be alone, but, you don't want to!

When you don't want to talk, but maybe you want...

but, is impossible descript all these feelings.. because is just, imporssible!!!

Maybe, it's so hard, and it will continue to be hard..

Yeah, I'm talking about these lost, for me, this person who passed away on 24 of octuber of 2012.

Last days, aaaaahh!! Too hard.. Too painful.. 

Last days when i wanted to say her that I really have loved her alll my life...

Last days when i just wanted to be with her...

Last days when my conscience told me, that i should spend more time with her...

Last days when every little memory comes to your mind...

Last days when you feel guilty of something... even you don't know what it is...

yes, those last days.. when you know is close.. you don't want to.. and you will pass trhough that... wanted or not...

Then, You receive the call, in the moment less expected, you find yourself alone, crying, or not, you don't know what to do... that morning, at 1:28.. Listining from my sister those words that I never wanted listened any day of my stupid life... that call.. is there.. the reality now, and you think, WHY?? and you start to sorry: why i didn't go to see her yesterday?? and you start to think, you don't know if cry, or whattt?? you feel so desesperaly, you feel you world comes down.. a mix of feeling, there together.. 

Then, is the moment.. you don't want to... there's all the family, some crying, other confusing, and others, just like nothing.. you see your closer relatives, and coming to the room where she is... 

There's my grandparents, my uncles, my mom's uncle there... 

My beautifull great- grand ma, there, laying on her bed where she rest... 

I stay at some corner of the room.. just seeing her... with a sheet covering her body...

''Oh my mamagüisha!!, how could.. no! this couldn't happening.. no! God please!'' thinking on my mind.. 

In my silence, my mind was thinking, and thinking whyyy? even i know that it was to happen...

That was really hard.. then, I just stay and yeah, I cried, but I didn't know how to feel.. 

I sent 1 text to a 2 very close friend.. and some how, I felt a little, just a bit, better.. 

I helped my family, went with my grandmom, mom, sis, dad, and others to buy thing that was to use to the wake (?) (velorio)... thinking in the way all that.. I couldn't smile all that morning, and I saw some people laughing, I thought, how can they laugh, and smile when she passed away? when i won't be able to come to her house, and give her a hug, and visit her?? howwwww?? 

Then, in the afternoon, some people coming to the funeral, and me just wanted dissapear, I didn't know how to feel.. still today, I don't know how to feel this...

I went home, and i couldn't sleep well.. 

NEXT DAY: oooh God!! Hardest day ever.. The funeral... I never, never in my life had felt that feeling.. when you see, last day she will be in her house.. last day of life..!! I mean, she'll never come back !! 

Thursday 25 of octuber 2:10pm: me, in the room, the coffin in front of you, last time at home saying her ''good bye'' ... 

Men, take the coffin on their shoulders.. watching take her from her home to the cementary.. ahhh!!

Walking to the cementary after a ceremony in Catholic church, and Mormon's Church...

A lot of people next to you, walking.. Me: destroy, walking, feeling so lonely, my family there, and in front of my church, there a lady came, hug me, and stay with me at least 2 blocks.. thank her a lot.. 

THE HARDEST PART:  after my relatives, my family said some words.. I saw around, any friend mine.. maybe just people who I know, and a few family friends, and people I have never seen..

I take a deep breath, then the time to say goodbye to my beautiful Mamagüisha..   My heart was beating fast.. Me, and my bro went to her cuffin and I touched her hand for last time, saw her beautifull face, I saw her, and thought, Oh Mamagüisha.. I can't anymore.. (in my mind) i said her, I knew she didn't listen to anymore, but I said her, I LOVE YOU... I started to cry, and saw how do they boried my great-grand mom...

I stay when there was just my family, and some uncles with my cousins.. I stay there, as a stick.. Withouth do anything.. Just thinking and thinking...

After they finished all, and decorating her tumb, was the time to leave.. Again and again came to my mind some words that she said 2 days after I saw her last time in life.. And that was the last time when I said her ''I love you Mamagüisha'' and she heard me.. That day she said ''no, you are leaving me alone, no, don't leave me'' and she was crying.. Oh god, just remember that, and my tears again weaping on my face...

So, you can understand how difficult was leave from her tumb, that cold day, gray, and rainy at my heart... Yes, that day when all my entire life changed some how... Her words in my mind.. and I didn't want left her alone, there, in the cold grave.. 

Finally, my mom said me, ''Queren it's time.. let's go'' so, take a deep pretty deep breath, and left. Since that day, i haven't gone to her grave anymore.

So, after that, it wasn't easy to accept her dead.. I think I haven't accept it yet... I still have those gray days, every 24, and 25 are hard.. or any day, came the melancholyc...

But, I know, she is resting, she some day, and is my hope, i will see her, i will hug her, and i will kiss her on the check, say her how much i love her, that she knows how painful was that for me, but, i will have her in front of me, and we will laugh...

For now, she is in a deep dream, she doesn't feel, she is not in heaven, neither in hell...

Althought i miss her a pile!! I really do, but I know she doesn't suffer anymore.. so, My great gran mom, as you great-grand sons, grand sons, sons, we said to you ''Mamagüisha'' I LOVE YOU!! And I cry, I have a terrible days withouth you, but I LOVE YOU, I REALLY LOVE YOU!! and, I never will forget you, NEVER!! Te Amo!

(I don't have a pic with her, because lastimosamente, they lost .. dmmnt! but, i have her in my heart)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0NCdx3eTlQ&feature=share&list=FLFAwMJmSL8anYGp_V0Lgagg

(this song describes me a lot)